Movie Review: Jupiter Ascending (was a disappointment)

Jupiter Ascending
Directed by The Wachowskis
Released 2.6.2015
127 minutes
See on IMDb

Starring Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis, Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne

 

 

In a bright and colorful future, a young destitute caretaker gets targeted by the ruthless son of a powerful family who lives on a planet in need of a new heir, so she travels with a genetically engineered warrior to the planet in order to stop his tyrant reign.

 

 

 

My Review

Warning: Possible spoilers

This movie was one of my most anticipated 2015 releases. I was dying to see it! I have a mild obsession with sci-fi and fantasy worlds, and the trailer made this world look amazing!

And it was. The world, at least. I was very impressed with the visuals and the world building. The world itself was spectacular! The spaceport or whatever you’d call it – with all the buildings making up the rings of the planets – was kick ass! The fantasy world really came to life. There was also high influence of animals in the character designs – there was Caine’s wolf DNA, a woman with mouse ears,  a man that looked disturbingly like a rat, a really weird elephant man (seriously, I could have done without that one), and dragon people. Which, by the way, were freaking awesome! The details on the faces of the dragon people were stunning. And the voices! They had a very dragon-esque sound going on. I don’t know how they did it, but it freaking worked.

The concept was really, cool, too – she’s the reincarnation of a powerful royal Queen? Okay, I can dig that. Three siblings in a feud over intergalactic territory? I can dig that, too. The idea of harvesting people to create a sort of serum to use to stay young forever was awesome!

But alas, that’s where the epicness died a quick death. From the very beginning, I was worried. The opening scene with the three siblings felt really awkward (despite the stunning scenery), and I started to wonder if all the screenplay would be like that. But still, I clung to hope. That soon died a quick death, too.

The screenplay was terrible. Totally cumbersome and awkward. And what the hell was up with Eddie Redmayne’s creepy ass voice? He would go from whispering like his vocal cords had been severed to screaming his lungs out. Um, what? And the bees – wtf? “Bees can sense royalty?” Huh. Sure, whatever you say…

But, the biggest thing that killed it for me was the awful, cheesy romance. The chemistry between Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum was horrific. And honestly, I think most of that came from Mila Kunis. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get about her character, and the more I realize that she was ultimately what ruined the movie for me. I can’t decipher if it was Mila herself, or just Jupiter’s character. I was never really a fan of Mila Kunis, but I did really like her in Book of Eli, and she did a good job in Oz. So I think the problem here is that she was just stunted by the awful personality (aka lack thereof) of Jupiter. She was vapid, weak, and naive. The Damsel in Distress trope in this movie made me sick! This movie is basically about Caine (Channing) saving Jupiter. That’s 90% of the plot, no joke. She did somewhat redeem herself there in the end, View Spoiler »when she beat the fuck out of Balem and basically killed him. At least she finally grew a pair. « Hide Spoiler

Anyway, back to the romance. It was all Jupiter’s end that ruined it, because she was too eager. Caine saved her (the first of many), took her to another planet, and all of the sudden she was all goo-goo eyed over him. She tried to kiss him, basically saying that she wanted to be with him (YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!), and he said his DNA was spliced with a wolf so he was no better than a dog. To which Jupiter said in a vomit-inducingly dreamy voice, “I like dogs.” I blurted out a sarcastic “Oh, Jesus” into the silent movie theater before I could stop myself. I wanted to bash my face into a wall! There were so many ridiculous lines like that from her that I was rolling my eyes and sighing dramatically way too frequently.

And that brings me to another point: Caine’s spliced DNA. When he said he had the DNA of a wolf, my brain was all ZOMG HE’S A WEREWOLF and I was expecting him to turn into this badass deadly wolf and start ripping throats out, like his reputation boasted. (No, seriously – he actually bit a royal, ripping said royal’s throat out with his teeth.) But it never happened. So you mean to tell me that he ripped someone’s throat out with blunt human teeth? Really? Plus, there was Sean Bean’s line “When he’s angry, you’ll know it” so I was seriously counting on a shift in there somewhere, with wolf-Channing going ham on someone’s ass. Nope. Never saw that “angry” that I was promised. View Spoiler »The wings were pretty freaking sweet, though! « Hide Spoiler

The ONLY reason I would watch this movie again is to drool over Channing Tatum in that skin-tight sexy ass black outfit. I mean, just LOOK at him:

I’m not sure how I feel about him being a ginger – no seriously, he was pale and had freckles and it was weird – but he somehow managed to pull it off. In fact, he was the best performance of the film. I’m really impressed by how much he’s evolved as an actor. I didn’t like him when he was doing the cookie-cutter chick flick role, but he is superb as an action actor! And easy on the eyes, too. Mmmmhmmmm, he looked good in them pants! But despite that, I really liked his character, Caine. I think it’s his acting that made Mila Kunis look so bad – not that she’s a bad actress, just that the role wasn’t right for her. She had a Kristen Stewart-esque thing going on, and that is definitely not a compliment.

It’s not that this movie was terrible. It was just a major letdown. I still give it 3.5/5 stars, just for the concept and the eye candy!

Overall Assessment

Plot: 3.5/5
World Building: 4.5/5
Originality: 5/5
Pace: 5/5
Visual Effects: 5+/5
Casting: 3.5/5
Screenplay: 2/5

Overall Rating: 3.5/5

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